If I Loved You
by FlashFiction
Summary: If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did...
1. Isobel and Richard

**Author's Note: **I am in a bit of a state at the moment. Downton Abbey doesn't air where I live until next week, so the only information I have is from trailers, fan fics and Wikipedia. It's messing with my mind, I can tell you! There are so many things I need to know! As you will know, dear readers, the only thing to do when you're haunted by a fandom is write about it. So here it is; my first Downton fan fic. Disclaimers and all that.

**Isobel/Richard (Isobel POV)**

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, you'd make me smile whenever I thought of your face; your smile, your frown, your eyes, grey-blue, looking at me disapprovingly from across the room.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, maybe it's because you were the first thing I cared about when I came here. Well, your work and through that you. The way everyone looks to you and how you never let them down. I never wanted to let people down.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, perhaps it is because you valued my opinion. We argued, of course we did, but underneath it all you recognized the fact that I just wanted to help. You actually listened and treated me like someone who had something that was worth saying. Even if you disagreed.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, maybe it was because you gave me a place to fit in. Because I've never really done that, not here. They've been places that I will never go and they will never take me. I can wear a smile, radiate cheeriness and pretend that I don't understand when they laugh at me. But of course I get it. How could I not? And it hurts more than I say. But not with you. You have always been honest to me. To you, my flaws are what they are, nothing more, nothing less. And if I loved you, I could let you know that you gave me what I needed; a place to be needed.

If you loved me, which you don't, I'm sure. Well, you might. I don't know. _Do you? _If you loved me, would you say so? Or would you keep it to yourself, afraid of what could happen? If you want to hold my hand, all you have to do is ask.

Because if I loved you, which I don't, of course, but if I did, I'd find it hard to find the right words to let you know I want you to be mine. And, it would be difficult to decide what the right time would be to tell you what you mean to me. Because what if I gave you my heart and you broke it? How could I live then? Perhaps it is better to leave things the way they are; because staying put and not knowing is better than reaching out and finding nothing. Who really knows? Maybe I should jump. Falling with you would be ten times better than flying alone.

But that is only if I loved you. Which, well, I might.


	2. Elsie and Charles

**Author's Note: **Okay, so I love Elsie Hughes! I also ship Hughes/Carson so, so, so much! As far as I'm concerned, they're already canon! Which is why Elsie's cancer scare really freaked me out, especially as they're saying that someone will die! If Isobel dies I will break something. If Elsie dies I will break someone. If Violet dies, let's crack open the gun cupboard, because I'm off to hunt some writers! Anyway, I decided to make this a little series and write one for Elsie/Charles.

**Elsie/Charles (Elsie POV) **

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, it would make me laugh to see you fussing over dinner preparations. And, though I'd never say it, I'd think the way your brow furrows over the tiniest things is actually rather sweet.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, I'd want to see you everyday, to look at you in the morning and know that everything would be okay. Because I don't know if you know what you mean, how the sight of you is enough to inspire complete confidence. You are a rock, so solid, so constant, so dependable. You are the house; Downton is not Downton without you. Maybe, if I loved you, you'd be the reason that I stayed.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, I could never be happier than when I danced with you. Like at Christmas time, when I'd pretend that dancing is a chore, that I would gladly sit down if I could. But the feeling I might have in your arms is not one I would ever sit out on; to feel like a young woman again, to be light and free, with nothing hanging over my head. To be beautiful and wanted and loved. In your arms, I could entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, someone might need me to be there.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, I would put up with anything you could do; if you were angry or frustrated and couldn't hold it in; if you yelled at me in one of the rare moments when your heart leads your head and you forget about logic. I would sit and listen until you felt better again. Because I know you would do the same.

If you loved me, which you don't, at least not that you've said, I'd keep listening out for any word, something that might hint to it, but nothing comes. And then I'd get confused. Because I've seen you move the world for me.

You see, if I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, I would like you to say it first, to know if it was real. Because, sometimes, I'd forget that we're not in love. I'd forget that you're not mine and I'm not yours. I'd take it for granted; because it's an unspoken truth, isn't it? We're a pair. And maybe, I've always just thought that there was nobody else, that there could not possibly be any other that I was meant to be with. For us to be in love, nothing would have to change, because, perhaps, I'd feel like that's how it was all the time.

But that is only if I loved you. Which I do and I always have and I always will.


	3. Edith and Anthony

**Author's Note: **I haven't actually seen Anthony Strallan leave Edith, but I've heard about it and that is enough to make my blood boil (when I actually watch it I'm going to warn everyone to keep their distance). I mean, _come on, _Julian Fellows! Why did you have to go and do that? It was Edith's time to be happy! Oh well, now I can only hope that she continues to rise above and become independent and badass!

**Edith/Anthony (Edith POV) **

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, maybe you'd appeal to me because you looked nice. You seemed sweet, friendly, eager. A little dull, but I'm not exactly interesting either. Overall nice. And maybe that would appeal to me because at that time I'd had so few people being nice to me. So few people taking an interest. Perhaps I would think we could be kindred spirits.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, I would give all of my heart to you. I'd look at you and think that that was what you wanted, what you needed. If I loved you, I would put all of my heart into it; if I though it might give you your life back. If I thought it would show that somebody values you.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, I'd be prepared to look past your exterior. I wouldn't mind how old you were or if your arm couldn't move. I wouldn't care about what the others would say; their doubts and fears. I wouldn't even listen. Because they don't know how I feel about you, how our love breaks down walls. They wouldn't understand, but you would and I would. And I'd think that was all that mattered.

If I loved you, which I don't, but if I did and you left, it might break me. When you went you would take everything; my dreams, my hopes, my heart, my confidence. I would have nothing. Be nothing. If I loved you and you left, I would cry and cry and it would all hurt so much. But perhaps the tears would drown out the voice in my head that tells me I will be alone all my life.

If you loved me, like you said you did, you should have said yes when the offer was still going. If you love me, still, then you would say no, again, and walk out of my life forever. You wouldn't beat around the bush or try to come back, like you have in the past. Because I can't guarantee that I won't do something I'll later regret; like take you back. You would learn to live with your choices, like I was forced to do.

And if I loved you, which I don't, but if I did, the hole you left might hurt for a while. I might wish to turn back the clock and I might think I can't go on. But I'd realize that I could. Time would pass and it wouldn't matter if I once felt for you. As the days would go by, I'd come to love you a little less and I'd find that it didn't bother me. In fact, it would suit me just fine. I'd finally see just what I'm worth and just what I deserve, which is not waiting for you make up your mind. I wouldn't need you, not like I thought I would. If I loved you and I lost you, maybe I'd thank you later. It would teach me that I am not defined by other people; not simply _his_ wife, _their_ daughter, _her_ sister. Me. Just me.

But that is only if I loved you. Which I did, once, but not anymore.


End file.
